It is not enough to be loved.

It is not enough to find someone who loves you plenty. The other half, meaning YOU, must also find someone for whom to feel plenty of love.

The issue with many single people, especially if you have been single for a long time, is that it isn’t easy and it takes a lot of you to fall head over heels like most of us did when we were younger. Maybe age adds to the problem. When you are 40 or 50 you carry on more heartbreaks, disappointments and failed relationships, although often you find people in their 20s and 30s who have a hard time falling in love.

I really do not know why to love and be loved has become such a complication for some of us.

One wants to find someone who loves you very much and who is good at demonstrates the love they say they feel. But one also wants to feel the spark, the passion, the desire to be in bed with that person as soon as possible, the need to spend time with them, to share, to talk, to go here and there, to be in their company.

But then, we are so picky.

Psychologists and book authors say that when a person finds fault in potential mates about things that may not matter at all in the bigger picture, things such as “too quiet,” “talks too much,” “too tall,” “Too short,” “I don’t like his voice,” “not so well dressed,” and more, it often means we, the picky ones, are afraid to love.

And so our picky-ness is the wall that we use to feel protected and sheltered or the illusion of that.

If we leave the psychological explanation alone and turn the spotlight to a combined realm of being both human and spirit, it is undeniable that one wants to feel the strong spark, that little but big thing that moves you and makes your pulse go fast when you see someone special for you. The spark that awakens your desire, the feeling of admiration, awe, curiosity and all of what one feels when in front of someone one feels attracted to. And sometimes what attracts you to that person is how they look or how they talk, and sometimes it has to do with their intellect or their spirit. And sometimes it has to do with a bunch of other things interesting only to you.

It is not enough to be loved. The other essential part which will increase the chances of love is that you feel it too. It must be that the other person, whoever he or she may be and somehow have the power to move you, to break your patterns, to inspire you, bring back the passion, curiosity, life, you name it. Again, it is not enough that he or she loves you very much and as a result, you feel safe and comfortable but not passionate about the whole thing. And it is so important that you feel passionate too for it gives you life and it enlightens you.

See, sometimes the moment you see someone you feel that spark and passion and you know it is love and you know that person has tied your heart already. Sometimes you meet someone and only after you get to know that person a little better you begin falling and love with them. And so it happens that you fall in love or end up happy with someone you’d never thought they would be so perfect for you. And all of the above is good.

A line that you may want to be really careful to cross comes when you decide to be with someone just so that you are not lonely or just so that you do not live alone. Or because that person has a great job and the sense of security that money often brings. This applies to both, women and men.

A man sometimes chooses a woman just because she is physically attractive in other words super hot, has social status, comes from a so-called good family or has a prestigious job.

Women have done the same for centuries, conditioned to find the security of “a good catch,” someone who has a good job, who comes from a so-called decent family, who is not a criminal and so on and so forth.

None of that is necessarily right or wrong. This is how things have been, but those conventions may lead us to chose the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

It is not important to find someone who loves you lots or is a good catch. It is important to find a good partner in life for a relationship based on affinity, similar views for what the future may bring or what roads to take, the value of giving space to one another and allowing one another be.

When you are in your 20s and 30s and granted, you both consider having a family as a must, it is necessary to share common views as to how to raise children and what roles would each one take.

When you are in your 40s and 50s or at any age clear that bearing children or having a family is not your goal, what you want to look for is a partner because then life is not focusing on having a family but in growing as a couple and as separate beings. The desire to learn, experiment, see, grow and seek, in whatever order, doesn’t cease with age for some people, even if you want a less hectic life.

The wild card is that one’s best self is sparked by what the other person brings to the couple. That his or her light and yours create a fire. When it is from both, it is true fire. Cheesy, right? Not all, because it is not enough to find someone who loves you much. It is extremely necessary that you also love that person very much.

Unscripted. By Lupita Franco Peimbert.

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